


Drinking Buddies

by sebviathan



Series: Untold Janitor Story [3]
Category: Scrubs
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Dialogue, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, canon-typical stalkish behavior, janitor's pov, spoilers for episode 5x11 my buddy's booty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 22:58:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3335915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebviathan/pseuds/sebviathan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the janitor and Cox drink and discuss J.D.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drinking Buddies

**Author's Note:**

> Since this is a fic from the Janitor's POV, it's essentially pro-Jdanitor. Jdox is technically present but it's certainly not what the fic is about. 
> 
> Also, I heavily studied the transcript for this episode, so when I say canon-compliant, I mean it's REALLY canon-compliant.

In the past five years that J.D. has been working at Sacred Heart, he's had nine dates and roughly five of those moved onto girlfriend-status. But only after the most recent breakup has it  _really_  started to get to the janitor.

Partially because now he has to watch J.D. run around and try to find anew girl to hook up with (and read about it in his journal, which he still regularly steals from his locker), all the while ignoring  _him_  more and more.

It's just not  _fair_. How many more women is he supposed to sit through? Sometimes he's not even sure if this counts as pining—he just feels angry. And lonely. And confused because he doesn't know what to do—he hasn't even gotten J.D.'s attention as often lately. He's too far out of the janitor's reach, too busy to banter and conveniently avoiding anything he could possibly implement as a prank.

Every time J.D. fucks up another relationship, the janitor hopes that this will be the time he realizes there's a reason that women aren't working out for him. And he always imagines that maybe this time J.D. will think, " _Hey, the janitor's been making advances in the form of heavy bullying for years, why not take that shot._ "

But then he's not even sure if he wants that. He has no idea what he wants right now. Hell, he can hardly tell which direction his emotions are going or how he feels about J.D. at any given moment—he just knows that the emotions are  _strong_ _—_ and he can't possibly be expected to work in this state.

Which is exactly what he thinks when a nurse walks by him leaning on his mop and tells him to go clean up some vomit in the hall over. So to treat himself (it's only fair, and it's not like he would actually mop up that vomit if he stayed), he leaves the hospital early for a drink.

He sees Mean Doctor sitting at the bar when he gets there—pretty sure it's because of the patient who's close to dying that everyone loves. And the janitor would prefer to avoid doctors at all costs, but the only open seat is next to the guy and, being the alcoholic that he is, he wants a steady stream of drinks coming his way.

"You saving this seat for your ex-wife?" he asks, one hand on the stool. The only reason he even offers that level of politeness is that he'd rather not piss off that woman. She's easily the most terrifying person in the hospital (other than himself, of course).

Mean Doctor glances up. "No, no—she's uh, she's over there." He gestures to a table in the corner, where she seems to be eating cherries out of some other guy's hand.

 _Lucky guy,_  the janitor thinks. And then with a quick, second take at the man,  _Lucky girl_.

As he takes the seat, Mean Doctor looks up again and says, "One rule. No yapping. The only thing I want to hear is the sound of my liver drunkenly singing rugby songs."

On one hand, he's annoyed that the doctor would try to order him around when they're not even in the hospital. On the other, he has no intention to make conversation anyway, so that's fine with him.

"Calm down. I'm not even here—seriously," he adds, lowering his voice a little just in case. "My shift at the hospital doesn't end for three hours." The bartender hands him his usual, and Cox now seems curious as to why he's so apparently stressed out that he needs to leave early and drink. So he tells him. "I hate that hospital and everyone in it."

Technically it's not a lie. It's just... not an accurate answer to the question the doctor never actually asked.

And now he's lifting his drink to the janitor's. "I'll drink to hate. Cheers."

The janitor makes a motion of agreement and neglects to mention that he knows for a  _fact_  that in Mean Doctor's case, the whole "I hate everything" attitude is such a poorly-kept facade.  _You're really not fooling anyone._  But it's whatever. He obviously isn't the only one who hides his feelings.

Ironically enough, Cox is the one who starts getting chatty and complaining about coworkers. After a couple drinks the janitor decides he's actually enjoying this in spite of himself—in spite of his natural disdain for all doctors and white-collar workers in general. For the most part they don't have mutual annoyances to drunkenly talk about, but one thing they  _can_  is Kelso. So they do. For hours.

He honestly never thought he would end up here, drinking and laughing with a doctor, letting said doctor get  _attached_  to him, and what's worse—allowing the guy to pay for a round of shots for the both of them. Jesus, when's the last time he drank socially at  _all_?

When it's nearing midnight, Mean Doctor's Meaner Ex-Wife approaches the bar with the same guy from before on her arm (once again,  _lucky girl_ ), telling Cox they're taking him home.

"Say goodnight to your girlfriend, I'm sure he'll be here tomorrow."

The janitor's drunk enough that his emotional response to that accusation is delayed until after he opens his mouth—"I will. Not that it matters."

Cox almost looks alarmed when he side-eyes him. "Not that I care."

"Perry!" the Ex-Wife urges theatrically. "Door closes at midnight!"

"Yeah, I gotta go," the doctor resigns, downing the very last of his beer.

"Yup," he agrees. Though not with nearly as much regret.

Well. That just happened.

He has to admit, actually having someone to vent to while he drinks helps with his stress levels so much more. Looks like he's keeping this drinking buddy.

* * *

 

The janitor isn't in any particular rush to get to the bar the next day, but it's easy to get angry about J.D.'s scooter being in the way of his van and making him late, what with everything else going on regarding him. He has to get out and check his tires to make sure they're okay, which takes up too much time, though once he realizes how much damage he's caused to the scooter, he feels better.

When he gets to the bar, Cox is coaxing a woman out of a seat he's saved for the janitor with a sexually obnoxious comment.  _Nice,_  he thinks, but it still feels like the doctor is getting too serious about this "friendship" deal too fast.

"Had to be done," he says, handing him a beer.

"Thanks, chief. I got your next one." If only to not feel like he's indebted to a _doctor_.

"Don't mention it."

And then the janitor mentions why he's late, at which point he realizes—and Cox's eyes widen slightly, like he's just now realizing too—that last night they somehow avoided the topic of J.D. altogether. Weird.

"Kid drives me crazy," he tells him, and once again it's one of those half-truths. Lies by omission, or whatever.

And after some short banter over his new van, "Ah, Dorian drives me crazy, too. But what're you gonna do about it?"

"Now  _that_ , I will drink to."

"Mm." Cox nods and clinks their beers, unaware of exactly what the janitor just meant, and how ironic it actually is.

He knows exactly what he can do about it, and he does it every day. Except lately it's only been serving to drive himself even more crazy.

After a full beer of silence, the janitor decides he's feeling more chatty.

"At least once a week I break into Dorian's locker and read his journal—for a laugh, y'know." Cox nods, interest clearly piqued. "And  _today_ _—_ I read that yesterday, he got a dick piercing."

"Are you serious?" The doctor lowers his head skeptically yet hopefully, grin all the way up to his gums.

"Mhmm. Emerald stud. Do what you want with that information."

Seemingly unable to stop grinning, Cox tries to hide it in his beer. "That is re-he- _heally_  going to come in handy... Say, uh—Janitor, you got any other useful embarrassing stories from that journal? For, you know, medical reasons."

Now they're both grinning, and boy, does the janitor have stories to tell.

This is probably the first time he's talked to anyone about J.D. for even half this long. Fuck, it's the first time anyone's given him the chance. Though the further he goes, the more he can tell that  _Cox_   _can tell_  he's obsessed. He's practically memorized that journal and he knows it's showing, which is why he abruptly slaps money down on the counter and stands up with his beer, motioning for the doctor to follow.

"C'mon, let's go screw with Dorian," is all he says, and Cox is just eager enough not to question.

They take the van, which isn't terribly clean, but Cox surprisingly doesn't complain. And in the ten minutes it takes to get there, the janitor sobers up enough to wonder why the hell he decided to bring up the dick piercing, out of  _anything_ he could have said. Because now he's thinking about the piercing and desperately trying to keep his own dick flaccid, and because of  _that_  he almost runs two red lights.

It's easier once they make it to the apartment building, though, and he doesn't say a thing until they're already in J.D.'s bedroom where he's fast asleep.

"Stole this from his locker," he explains, showing Cox the key he took months ago. "I come by here a couple times a week and just move stuff around, turn off his alarm, maybe cut off his bangs."

He of course does not mention the times he has drunkenly decided to drive here in the middle of the night and crawl into bed behind J.D., only to wake up sober an hour later and drive himself home in shame. (One of those times he accidentally woke him up and had to convince J.D. he was dreaming. Which isn't exactly difficult, but still.)

Meanwhile, Cox looks simultaneously impressed and concerned.

"Well, you're clearly in need of help, but gosh-darn it, I'm not gonna give it to you. ...How sound asleep do you think he really is?"

The janitor smirks. "Well, watch this."

He kicks the mattress, and the only reaction it gets out of J.D. is him sleepily muttering " _What?_ " as though the jolt simply made it into his dream. Once again Cox looks impressed, and the janitor can see an idea forming behind his eyes.

"So now what?"

After a few seconds of staring at the sleeping doctor and sipping his beer, Cox asks, "How hard do you think it would be to move the whole bed into your van?"

The real issue is making sure they don't get caught. Which is why the janitor hauls J.D.'s unconscious body over his shoulder and climbs down the fire escape to get him to the van, and subsequently throws the mattress down. And finally, they get the pieces of the bedframe down individually.

During the van ride to the hospital, J.D. unconsciously asks " _who's rocking the boat_ " and almost makes Cox think he's woken up—until the janitor replies with some pirate nonsense (assuming that's what he's dreaming about) and he's perfectly asleep again.

It's by far one of the more time-consuming and physically taxing pranks he's pulled, but with twice the manpower they pull it off fairly well. And quick enough for them to part ways when they're done setting J.D. up in the hospital parking lot and get a few good hours of sleep before the morning shift.

Really, they've just done him a favor, the janitor thinks. With his scooter too damaged to use, J.D. would have needed a ride to work anyway.

* * *

 

On the upside, this is the first time in a while that J.D. has come directly to  _him_  instead of the other way around—granted, it's to confront him about the bed prank, but it's still nice.  _And_  he's getting ninety bucks just to set a mattress on fire. Well, that's not exactly what he said, but the janitor could tell it's what he wants. "Take my bed back home" and "Set my bed on fire" sound close enough. Same amount of syllables.

On the downside, Cox seems to have way overestimated their relationship, and he's damn near embarrassing him in front of his colleagues. Typical doctor arrogance.

And... weird doctor ego feelings? He's apparently so butthurt that he doesn't even show up to the bar that night, leaving the janitor to drink alone. Which is annoying, but he doesn't feel bad. Just bored. Bored enough, actually, to go to J.D.'s apartment.

It's partially out of curiosity to see what he's doing with no bed—and not unexpectedly, he's just sleeping on the floor of his room. And  _holy shit_ , Blonde Doctor is having some particularly loud and raunchy sex across the hall. As deep a sleeper J.D. clearly is, the janitor can't believe he doesn't hear this.

There's not much to do but the usual—move a few things an inch to the left, put his wallet somewhere J.D. would never expect to have left it, and of course the new method of subliminal messaging he's been trying out. Getting on his knees, he bends down and whispers directly into J.D.'s ear: " _You're in love with the janitor._ "

That should do it for the night.

As he's about to leave, though, he notices something on the dresser he didn't see before: A tiny green stone, like an earring or— _holy shit_. He must have taken it out.

_Oh my God. That was in his_ _—_

It must have gotten infected or something, since J.D. wrote that he wanted to keep it.

The janitor can't stop staring at it. Within a minute he makes the decision to just take it—it's an emerald, it's worth something, who cares where it's been? He's not exactly disgusted by J.D.'s penis, anyway. He'll find an ironic use for it.

Which turns out to be a tiny piece of decoration at the end of his mop, useful only as a conversation starter. Except he doesn't plan on telling anyone that this particular decoration used to be a genital piercing.

The next time he sees Cox, though, he's sure the guy will get a kick out of it.

"Hey, bud. Check out my new mop bling," he greets, extending the end of the mop handle, and Cox gives him a look. The janitor's sure what he must be thinking, seeing as he told him about J.D.'s journal. "It's cool. Cleaned it."

He remains unimpressed, however.

"Oh, so now we're pals again? I gotta be honest with you, I'm a little confused there, Sasquatch."

Damn, he's still upset about that?

"I got a rep to protect, okay?" he explains. "I'm sort of seen as the king of the working folk. If they catch me hob-nobbing with a doctor-type, well, suffice it to say I won't get my cut of all the prosthetics we looted from the storage room."

Now he just looks confused. "How's that?"

"We sell the feet to college kids for $500 a pop. Apparently, they smoke something out of them." That's not true, but it's somehow easier to admit than that he just likes to attach prosthetics to various taxidermied animals.

"Let me get this straight," Cox starts, "You are  _embarrassed_  to be seen with me?" Geez, it's like he's never been rejected by anyone in his life. It's actually a bit sad.

The janitor decides to give him a break instead of getting on his ass about it.

"At the hospital," he insists. "At the bar, we can hang out all we want." And then he notices a few of his custodial guys carrying boxes in his peripheral, so he panics—"You rich, yacht-owning punk! You think—oh, they're gone. It's cool. See you at the bar."

With a mental pat on the back, he leaves Cox looking bewildered.

* * *

 

There's a bit of a fight that vaguely gives him the impression their friendship is over, but they both end up together at the bar that night anyway. He's pretty sure Cox has accepted that sometimes your work and social life can't mix—mostly because the doctor doesn't protest when he sits down.

"Why are you even drinking, anyway," is the first thing he thinks to say. "Didn't that old lady turn out fine?"

"Yeah, she is," Cox says. "Dunno. I'm an alcoholic, if you haven't noticed."

"Well, every alcoholic drinks for a reason."

"Yeah? And what's your reason?"

"Dorian." Plain and simple, no hesitation. And probably more truthful than he intended to be.

Granted, he drank a lot before he met J.D., but it's definitely escalated since then.

"Damn, really? You hate him that much?" Cox doesn't seem at all surprised, though. Like one naive doctor being the reason for alcoholism is a familiar concept.

"Mm." The janitor promptly orders a scotch for himself, as though to get his point across.

Which, of course, begins their discussion of mutual frustration and annoyance over J.D. Despite being at opposite ends up the spectrum, what with the janitor being so far below and Cox so far above, they actually seem to have very similar grievances with the way the doctor in question behaves

This is truly the jackpot. When has he ever been able to bond this closely with someone both alive  _and_  human?

"Alright, the first annoying thing we noticed about Dorian," Cox suggests after several drinks, and several similar preceding tests. "On three.  _One, two, three_ _—_ "

And at the same time, the both of them, "His face."

"Absolutely uncanny," Cox grins, downing a shot.

And then the janitor has a slightly hazy thought (he's drank just as much, but his size really helps in handling his alcohol), at which he slaps his hand on the bar to get Cox's attention.

"Let's go more specific," he suggests. "The most  _annoying_  thing about Dorian's face, on three."

He counts, and of course, right on cue, "His lips."

The janitor is a wildly irrational man, but even he knows how to follow a pattern. Assuming that the same answers over and over again suggest the same manner of thinking, and aided by heavy liquor, he can confidently come to the solution that—

"You want him jus' as bad as I do, don't ya," he slurs, giving a knowing smirk. It only makes sense.

But Cox gives him a flat look for almost a solid ten seconds before saying, "You're insane."

"No, you  _do_. I can see it, you got the... uh—thing. You talk about him jus' like I do. Like he really does make you angry but all you wanna do is go fuck his brains out."

Now rather than the flat look, Cox is just startled. And the janitor isn't sure whether he should expect the guy to vomit right then and there or punch him in the face, but then seconds later, he relaxes, dropping his shoulders and momentarily glancing into his mug.

"So you...?"

"Wanna fuck Dorian's brains out? Yeah, but—"  _More than that,_  he was going to say. (If it was just that, he would have gone to a gay bar and picked up the guy who bore the closest resemblance to J.D. and just gotten his frustration out years ago.)

"Like men, I mean."

"Oh." That should really be obvious at this point. "Well, yeah."

"Sorry, I just... You don't really look—"

"Neither do you, but here we are. Two 'straight' men talking about being gay for a third straight man."

"For the record," Cox starts defensively, "I still like women."

"So do I," the janitor counters.

"I  _mostly_  like women. Ninety-five percent, at least."

"And I mostly like men. Weird, how this works out."

For a while, Cox is silent. Probably trying to adjust to the new, sudden information. Finally, though, he casually asks,

"When did it start for you?"

"First day." He doesn't know why he's so proud to admit it. He blames the alcohol. "First time I ever saw him, actually. He put a penny in the door and didn't apologize and I haven't stopped pining since."

Cox nods, like he somehow understands. "For me it was around the first month. I don't even really know why, it just— _happened_. No matter what I say or what girl's name I call him, he always comes back like he's expecting me to be nicer next time, and he just looks so stupid and... pretty."

Now that they're being honest, something about the way Cox talks about J.D. makes the janitor angry. Like the doctor shouldn't be  _allowed_  to feel that way if he's not going to feel it right.

Or really, he just shouldn't be allowed to feel it at all. It's jealousy that the janitor's feeling now, even worse than what he felt towards any of the girls J.D.'s actually been with. Even worse than his weird relationship with Black Doctor.

"Hm," is all he finds it in himself to say for now, as he takes a large gulp of scotch.

But then Cox continues, "It must suck, only being on Dorian's radar when you're beating on him."

And now his blood is  _really_  boiling. He manages to keep his cool, though, and his voice doesn't betray himself when he responds, "Yeah, it does. But, you know, that's why I also hate him. It balances out. We're both in the same boat, though—in our mid-forties, re-living high school. Crushing on a guy who gets a new girlfriend every week. Hell, pretty much half the hospital is competition."

Cox makes a noise of agreement, and the janitor can tell that what he said is getting to him. Just like he wanted it to.

A minute later, the doctor makes a point of setting down his empty mug and turns to him.

"Am I competition to you?" he frowns, lucidity coming back in his voice. "I mean, you're crazy. No offense. But you clearly don't mind talking to me about a guy we're  _both_  after. What gives?"

The janitor has to hide a small smile behind another sip of scotch. "Jus' pretty confident, I guess."

"What d'you mean?"

"Well, yeah. S'been five years. But I mean, I know I still got a bigger chance. I read his journal—he always calls you a father figure." The janitor shrugs like it doesn't mean anything to him, since the nonchalance is bound to hurt Cox worse. "You can't really get to romance from there, or else it's kinda gross. Meanwhile I got nowhere to go but  _up_. Sorry, bud."

Had to be done.

Less than a minute of silence later, Cox is reaching into his pocket for money to pay his tab and getting off his stool.

"I think we should stop doing this."

Looks like he just lost a drinking buddy.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to clarify about the whole dick piercing deal, because this is actually really important to me.
> 
> Early in the episode, J.D. says that he's keeping the "emerald stud in his peep" that the piercing lady gave him. And later, when the janitor shows off his mop "bling," it's a fucking emerald stud. There's no way that's a coincidence. I honestly believe that the writers originally wanted to make that a scene in the episode but took it out, just leaving a vague hint that it happened.
> 
> UPDATE:
> 
> I was reading over this again and remembered. When J.D. wakes up in the hospital parking lot, he's naked. And he says "Who took my emerald?"
> 
> I really regret not noticing it before because now this fic isn't as accurate as I'd like it to be (though technically the only thing against it is hints), but--they fucking did it. The janitor and Cox fucking got J.D. naked and noticed the emerald stud and took it RIGHT OFF OF HIS DICK, I can't fucking believe this.


End file.
